For me, gym etiquette is an exercise of frustration

Wiping down machines a constant source of friction among gym goers (Courtesy photo)

As in most winters as the coats and sweaters pile on, it is my wont to gain a certain amount of weight, not so as to be obese, but enough to lead me sometime in February as temperatures warm to realize there's not much time before the aforementioned apparel won't be necessary.

So we re-upped at a couple of gyms and am now in the process of trying to lose about 10 pounds which is far more difficult than in the past.

But as I get older I seem to get more easily agitated by those I share the gym facilities with.

For instance, while most gyms have signs that ask you to wipe down equipment after each use as a courtesy to the next user, a large number of gym members don't. As a result when I go to use it, it's often pooled in sweat on the seat and damp on the handles, so I go to the "wiping down" station, get some towels and disinfectant and wipe it down so I'm not as likely to be contaminated.

Occasionally, however, I must admit that I, too, sometimes use a machine, then forget to wipe it down, especially if no one's around or glaring at me while waiting their turn.

Which leads to the inevitable, which is I get up from a machine and begin to head to another only to hear the vitriol of some scoundrel lying in wait on the periphery of my consciousness.

"Are you going to leave it that way?" they snarl like the vituperous viper they are.

Now, mind you, I never challenge anybody that doesn't wipe their machine down before I use it, so it's tough to be criticized for something that I suffer through so often with no recriminations whatsoever.

So now I just say, "No, because the guy using it before me left and I cleaned it, so I figured that's how you people do it here" and walk off nose held proudly high.

Hey, until the gym cracks down on everyone I'm not going to be the only guy - or gal if that's how I feel that day - that wipes a machine down before and after I use it.

And while I'm venting, let's get something else off my chest. Why is it whatever locker you pick to change into your workout clothes, whenever you return to shower and change back into your streets, that locker is surrounded by two sumo-wrestler sized individuals while in the rest of the locker room there's nary a soul.

And while we're on the subject of locker rooms, let's go to locker room etiquette. Here it is. Look, I don't care if you want to walk around in your birthday suit using the urinal, shaving, drying your hair and powdering down, but, in my opinion, I think there should be a limit on how much time you can do this. I say let's limit butt naked time in the locker room to three or four minutes. After that, it's time to put at least some shorts on. What's the harm in that? Just saying.

Finally when it comes to the sauna, couple of ground rules. No sudden movements for one. Some time ago, a guy was on the other side of the sauna when he lets out a grunt and flings himself across the sauna to do a sort of pushup with his hands on the opposite side right in front of me.

I know he knew he'd surprised me, because I made a little pretense of "kung Fu" ala Barney Fife. No kidding, I thought I was under attack.

And one final word on sauna etiquette. When you come into a sauna - or someone comes in after you're already there - it's OK to strike up a conversation. It's really quite normal. You talk about the weather, your workout, your aches and pains, whatever.

However, if you exchange pleasantries and the conversation ends, leaving you both to soak in the warmth in silence, under no circumstances should you try to re-engage the conversation after any time period beyond a few seconds has passed.

For instance, like after three minutes of silence, you randomly say, "How bout that Tom Brady?"

Dude, I'm telling you right now DON'T DO IT. It's just creepy.