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Parents 'should put on oxygen masks first' when talking to kids about teen suicide

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As parents around the area struggle with how to engage their children after last week's suicide by a Rochester teen, a behavioral specialist at Community Partners said it's important for them to be sure they have dealt with their own feelings about the tragedy before reaching out to explore their children's.

"For parents it's important to deal with their own reactions, take time to think it through, maybe talk to another adult, before they talk to their kids," said Lucy Putnam, director of behavioral health professional development and training for the Strafford County nonprofit.

Putnam likened it to the instructions given prior to takeoff on any airliner when flight attendants tell the adults to put their oxygen masks on first before tending to their children.

Tyler Shapard (Courtesy photo)

"You have to be confident you're OK before you can deliver the info so your child can understand it," she said.

Putnam said it's also important that parents and guardians consider what questions children might ask and consider the age and development level so the response is appropriate.

The Rochester community was rocked last week with the news that 14-year-old Tyler Shepard, a freshman at Spaulding High, had taken his own life. His funeral was Monday.

While the news was overwhelming, Putnam said parents shouldn't dread that conversation with their young children or teens about the tragedy.

"When something like this happens it's an opportunity to talk to your children about these topics; all the kids will know about it, so let them know you're there to offer support. Through these discussion parents can find out things their kids have been keeping to themselves."

Society to Prevent Teen Suicide graphic

If the parent is talking to a teenager, Putnam said "avoid the gossip about the causes, because there's always a lot of buzz. We just don't know, so listen to your child, but don't get caught up in that."

She added, "Be truthful. If parents try to use some white lies to lessen the impact, teens will find out the truth from friends."

It's also the perfect time to have a long discussion about mental illness, Putnam said.

"They might say when someone commits suicide they may have been suffering from mental illness, may have been overwhelmed, may not have known how to get help," she said.

And they should make it clear that if the child ever feels depressed or know someone who is, it's time to talk to a parent or someone else like a teacher or other profession who can intervene.

Putnam added that despite the notion that teen suicides and suicides in general are more common during the holidays, that just isn't the case.

However, what is concerning is that often some teens impacted by a suicide will contemplate self-harm or suffer from severe depression.

"They might think this person did it so maybe I should too," Putnam said. "Or they might see everyone caring about this person who died, and think that would be a good solution for them, too."

Let children know that "suicide is never the way no matter how terrible it is, and if they ever have those thoughts they should seek help."

Lastly, Putnam said some parents harbor a fear that if they talk about suicide, the person might start thinking about it.

"But what actually happens with an open conversation is you get to identify resources and symptoms, and that's a protective factor and an avenue for teens to seek help rather than hide their symptoms," Putnam said.

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