Forget about picking an MVP: If he pushes the right buttons, it's the sound man

SOUND AND FURY: When the crowds are light, the sound man become the heavy. (NY Post photo)

Today on CBS Sunday Morning, they ran a segment on the NFL's sound machine, which pipes in fake cheering to make games more enjoyable for folks watching on TV.

Sidebar: I never got why some stadiums were allowed to have a couple a hundred fans while others had none. Question: Do they play the sound machine at stadiums that let in a couple of hundred fans? That would be weird if you were there.

And I never got why some of those on the bench wear masks while other didn't.

Wait, this is turning into one of those "I never got" columns. Oh no, too late.

Anyways, I never got why some people think it's fine to wear a mask with it hanging down below their nose and like they're fine.

But back to the NFL's sound machine. The guy who designed it for the NFL said they made one for each stadium, ostensibly I guess, so you don't hear the tomahawk chop in Boston or "You're a loosah" in LA.

But the guy explained that they did have to get some kinks out right away, the worst gaffe being early in the season when on a long touchdown bomb to a receiver in the end zone, they didn't turn on "the roar of approval" until like a second after the guy caught it.

I mean you can't make this stuff up. That's the hardest I've laughed since ROH put on "The Full Monty" last February. Remember that? The good old days? No masks. Folks kissing and hugging, dogs wagging their tales. Cats frolicking in the streets. Wow. Makes me misty.

But back to the NFL sound machine again. The NFL soundmeister said something to the effect of "As a sound machine guy you have to be on your toes, cause you have to build the roar when the ball's in the air, because it's like the expectation builds. You just can't have an enormous cheer after he catches it. Then you have to look if there's a flag on the play, and if there is, you have to have another sound (what's the sound of high anxiety) and then if it's a penalty that negates the touchdown there's one sound, and if it means the TD's good there's another and if there's a replay there's another and if there's a dance party in the end zone by the offensive line there's another."

So the soundmeister is like one of the most important people. You get the sound wrong and the whole game is ruined. He'd be pilloried by the sports media.

I wonder if they have a sound for when a guy gets hit in his privates?

Like the sound of 80,000 people going, "ooooohhhhhhuuuuueeeeeaaahhh."

Would that work?

Now we need a test group to test that sound and see if they concur.

I mean we have to follow the data. The data is crucial.

By the way, why don't players wear masks on the field. The NFL must be able to afford a fine breathable cloth mask, all spiffy with the team's logo. Maybe even an N-95. That'd be the berries.

Enjoy the game and listen for the sound man. He's the linchpin.

By the way what's the spread on he pulls a boner and makes the wrong sound at some point in time, like some guy gets hit in the privates and the crowd roars its approval?